You say you still want to be friends. But your actions honestly say otherwise. Yea you talk but you talk when I'm not around and when I'm there you go silent. You say that I'm always busy, away doing something but at least I try and put you infront of everyone else. I'm not the only one that's gone somewhere either so you dare use that against me. You don't even bother coming to me. I'm always your last resort for company. I'm tired of it. I'm sick of being hurt and left wondering where you are. I don't know how much more I can take. J
Friday, July 30, 2010
before dawn - august
comatose, paralyzed. i was looking to the heavens for a glimpse of light. i had insomnia and i was sleeping through the days. my life was lived in darkness when she went away and i was so cold. frozen from my forehead to my little toes. every day was like a lifetime. it was so slow. only heaven knows, where my angel'd go. and it was so hard waking up and trying to make a new start. everyday living was the painful part. another day in the life of a broken heart and then you came and ended my darkest moments. when the sun was the lowest, girl you came and lift me up and took the weight of my shoulders. the wait is now over and gone. you see the darkest moments seemed to have to comebefore dawn.<--- clickclick
would be
It would be better if we could control our minds.
It would be better if we could control our thoughts.
It would be better if we could control our feelings.
It would be better if we could control our emotions.
How can this be me if i don't seem to have any control over myself? Oh yeah i'm walking, i'm moving, and my arms arent waving about on their own alright, but that's not the point. Knowledge affects what you think, and thinking affects what you feel, and feelings affect what you do, what you say, and whether your smile is the right way round. Perhaps this is when psychology comes in handy. I wonder if psychologists know how to tame your own mind. I'm not insane, but i'm definitely getting close...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
freaking overload bruh.
i have never felt so overloaded with work --'
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
hate it
the feeling of loneliness even though you have everyone around you. i hate it.
simply stupid
I'm stupid. I know that. Often i forget how stupid i am. It takes reminder and realisation, of how much i depend on those around me, how difficult it would be to survive without them. Nothing happened today, yet within the nothing i made countless realisations. For one, I realised it is next to impossible to escape and ignore the world, just as it is impossible for the world to ignore you. I never knew how small Sefton is. Everywhere you go there are faces you know. Every corner there are people. It has never crossed my mind that i would one day need a personal hideout, let alone how difficult it is to find one. For another, i realised my stupidity has surfaced once again. For many reasons too; some which i need to apologise for. Sigh. I realised, despite my desire of escape, the importance of company. I realized happiness isn't found, but given to you. I realised how much it hurts when people act like they don't know you.. The rest, i can't be bothered sharing. OH, and the highlight lesson of the day! Never, ever, cry in front of Therese. Esp. when you're stuck in an 80minute period with her. Just accept the chocolate but be sure to shut up with the rest [; Anyway, to finish off, I'm sorry.
...
when will the time come when you realise that what you're doing is just plain stupid? when will you realise that everyone around you is worrying the shit out of themselves about you? when will you realise that all you have to do, though it is hard, is to face the problem and deal with it instead of avoiding it all and letting it come back every so often. i hope you realise soon cause i miss the old you. the you that was crazy, retarded and happy. all i see now are fake smiles. there's no point forcing one on your face. why not let it out? sure, its not easy telling people about how you feel at times but there's always other options. let it out. scream it out. you don't have to tell anyone. just talk to thin air. don't dwell on it too much. face the fucking damn thing already and come back. come back with a smile. a real, true, genuine smile. cause that's what I all wanna see. not only on your face but on everyone's face. maybe you realised already but you're not over it. i guess every wish i make will be the wish that you would get over it. because that something/one is stupid no offence and you should realise because if you don't. Instead of getting better, things will just get worse...
i miss you.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
cheerup bubs (:
many things happen. makes us feel like shit. i feel like shit. but seeing people around me, the ones i care about with their smiles the wrong way round, makes me feel shitter. so cheerup bubs. okay, its not like it would happen when i say that but just wanted to let you know that people out there, though it may not seem like it, love you, care for you and worry a great deal about you.
Huh
There's something wrong with me. Very very wrong with me. It feels like i'm committing a crime or something. I know it's wrong, that it isn't right, that i shouldn't do it, yet i proceed with it anyway. I defy my mind and my conscience and let it slip right out of my hands, then go regretting afterwards. There is definitely something wrong with me.
back
feels like it's all back, all that i thought i had gotten rid of. all back...
Monday, July 26, 2010
te amare - frankie j
I never thought this would happen, that my heart would learn to love all over again. And I only call you my girl. But over time you have become more than my best friend and the truth is that I'm so deep in love, and I'm so glad I never gave up. You hold the key to my heart.
Te amare, forever more. Te amare, it is you who i adore. Te amare, i'll never let you go. Te amare, te amare, te amare. Me amor ~
I love how the internet never forgets the past, as long as you don't delete them. I love how you can always go back to past conversations you had with people- instand msg chatlogs, wall-to-wall facebook, stuff like that. I love how you can revise all the hours you spent chatting; the gossips, the vents, the arguments. I love how you can recall the fun times shared with those who left, those friendships that died, and even those who are still here, you can go back and watch how the two of you turned from acquaintance to friends to bffls. I love how its like reading your own history, and how they put a smile on your face each time you reread them. I hate, though, how sometimes you wish you could go back to those times, but can't.
layout
are you happy now? i changed the blog layout for the 4832092830th time. And if you still can't read it properly i recommend you to get your eyes checked or switch to using GOOGLE CHROME as your web browser if you already haven't (:
k.
whoah look, the bold is blue and the italics is in pink :o MAGIC
i wonder what it would look like if it were striked-out. ohh its normal *disappointed*
Friday, July 23, 2010
Weeee
hehe im excited ^_^. I might be able to get a life and do stuff on saturdays and tuesday afternoons again =D. Going to Xtina's this sunday mwahahhaa. gahh one week and the work load is NOT funny, i bet u guys are feeling the heat aswell ==.
dear you,
do you hate me now?does seeing my face piss you off? does having me there tick you off? does even the slightest though about me put you in a bad mood? do you wish i weren't there? cause if you were i wouldn't mind going elsewhere, better than seeing you in a bad mood anyway. it seemed like yesterday when we were this close and, well, we were. but did i do something? today? last night? to make you hate me? or have i always been doing it and today was your last straw? i'm not sure whether i did anything or not but seeing you in a mood other than happy, excited, high or anything like that also makes me feel down. makes me wonder if i did something wrong. if it was my fault. if i was the one who caused you to feel that way. i wanna ask you but then im not sure if i should because i might tick you off even more. you probably wouldn't tell me anyway. so, if it is me or if it's something else you don't need to tell me. i'll be happy as long as your happy.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I ain't the person I am anymore. I know that for one thing. I never get my natural highs anymore and I'm not doing anything REMOTELY interesting at lunch or recess. Now that's fail. I miss how the group hangs out and got well with each other. Now everyone's split. People complain about things changing. Well guess what. some of you are hardly even trying >_> . Tomorrow, I swear to fucking god I will go high...unless someone gets me thinking about drama then i'll go on a rage LOL.
J
ffs
ive become someone i never ever ever ever dreamt of becoming. from someone who nothing can disturb the contentness of, someone who circulates in an atmosphere of only others' discomfort and never her own, someone who could do one thing or the other without the slightest weight of anything else in her; to now?; ive lost all of that i use to be. now im a freakin caged bird from within. its feathers plucked clean and thrown into the winter cold struggling for survival. no im not that caged bird, my mind is. locked up and closed in from the world. its torturing, impossible to think, impossible to focus. its like im just sitting there and letting my life be slowly eaten away by the devil of time. this, is why, it sucks, to not have the ability of multitasking. stupid. history keeps on freakin repeating. things i never thought would happen(again!?) are happening, things i never thought i'd say i'm saying, things i never thought i'd need to deal with its FREAKING THERE IN MY WAY. im suffocating in my own thoughts and insecurities. im dying in the most ridiculous way. its pathetic. im pathetic. i dont know what happened anymore but this isnt me. i want my old self back. i miss it. i miss the freedom
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Greatest piss offs
1. Assumptions. Guessing that's what happened or the thoughts involved and taking action along your guess a.k.a assume. Always AWLAYS leads to freakin misunderstandings and screws EVERYTHING up. Don't freakin THINK, it makes an ass out of all of us and you'll realize you stressed over nothing and feel stupid and YES i am talking to myself in this matter.
2. Inconvenience. I HATE when you plan to do something, or you're in the midst of doing it and SOMETHING else just HAS to freakin randomly pop up out of no where and you miss the bloody chance or it gets in your bloody freakin way. Fate is an inappropriate word to describe it.
3. PMS-ing. Mood swings we all get it but seriously, when you're talking to someone pissed off doesnt it piss you off too? I don't mind listening to ranting, but like, say if they went all cold on you, and then suddenly the next minute they talk as if nothing happened and everything had always been fine and you just wanna scream at them "No sorry its not bloody fine you've just killed my mood in process of getting yours back so FORGET IT!"
4. Ignorance. I swear there's nothing worse than trying to talk to someone but getting ignored, and some people do it in the utmost piss off way
5. Expectations. Who doesn't love surprises? But people tend to live on expectations, and when theres expectations theres disappointment. And more often, when you expect something to happen, chances fall more likely that it wont. When you expect someone to do something, to say something, when you expect a lolly to fall from the sky and instead you get showered with bird shit.
Most - actually ALL of this is hypocritical
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
i'm a failure. a fag. a loser. i can be really annoying at times. i probably piss you off at times. maybe i'll leave you dissatisfied but there's not much to expect from me. i don't know much. i don't have much and i'm not a mind reader (though i wish i was). i could write out a list of all my flaws right now but there are too many to mention. i'm not as good as you probably think i am and if you already don't think i'm good well, i'm even worse. if you were to expect something of me lower your expectations so you won't be too disappointed. i don't want you to be disappointed anyway. it's just not worth it.
tracey mei taing
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TRACEY :D
i wanted to go. i really did butbut i was freaking interstate T_____T well hope you had an awesome day and i hope i make it awesomer when i give you your birthday present :D ahh i need to finish my drama assignment -.-
SEVERELY~~~ I LOVE YOU :) 
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Sigh.
I never thought this would happen, that my heart would learn to love all over again. And I only call you my girl. But over time you have become more than my best friend and the truth is that I'm so deep in love, and I'm so glad I never gave up. You hold the key to my heart. 
BLOG EST.2009
one blue apple by